everything i can remember
sails like ice-encrusted hulks
in the sea of my mind
some sink some float
December, 2009
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hulks
December 21, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
Category Poetry | Tags: | No Comments
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in head
December 19, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
in bed at night
in head at night
not paying attention to the bed at night
lost in the head at nightCategory Poetry | Tags: Lost | No Comments
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Buying a mobile phone is a pain in the … sim card
December 17, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
Argh, so frustrating trying to buy a new mobile phone.
After talking for a while in Vodafone store about wanting a phone that could store reminders – like when a birthday was coming up, I get the “we don’t have that in stock”. Right. So then ask what they do have in stock. Oh, just so happens the phone that is the next price tier up is in stock.
Off to Crazy Johns to check out their stuff. They have Vodafone phones … but only the top end. No, I don’t want to spend $500 thanks.
Off to Kmart and Target. They actually have phones in stock but the display models are all missing. Can they open the boxes so I can look? No. No info on outside of box.
Ok, so after this, I decided fuck it, I’ll buy a cheap one from Kmart for $70. I mean, all I really do is make and answer calls, text, put in reminders and set the alarm from time to time. It should be able to do that right?
No.
There is no reminder function. There’s a calender but no reminders.
This is the one thing I really do use. Was I wrong to expect this basic function would be in most phones?
And so now I have a problem. The box I bought was a pre-paid deal. I’ve opened it to read and discover it doesn’t have reminders of any kind. To take it back is to start having a biiiiiiiiiiiig argument with Kmart about refunds.
I can see it now: nope, no refunds.
Me: but I couldn’t even open the box to read the manual!I hate shopping for mobile phones.
Category Blog | Tags: mobile phones,shopping | No Comments
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surreal
December 16, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
leave cos i’m not cool enough
slammy smarmy door my adore
wicker wax and the facts are down bunny
down like cards down like mice
down on that combo like a hat on the pie king
down like white on ricedown at the rice clinic time sliced
and sugared little golden bowl
but it is a clinic so watch what you touch
who knows what rice diseases sit around here?break down some cardboard cubes
call some people noobs
when you see what’s in my mind
do you know i love you
and glue, equally?but cut me a slice of that white rice
get down like a cat down like a moustache on the quiche baron
get on that combo like a bear frenzy
get on it like black on meattention adults: here is the cool tooth
the cool truth slipping down from the roof
you be my baby love and i’ll be yours
you bring the boat, me the oars.Category Poetry | Tags: | No Comments
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When I’m King …
December 15, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
All the footpaths in Australia will be made of that bouncy rubbery footpath stuff. They’ve got experimental patches in the city testing their longevity.
Putting two inches of that really crappy ham on pizza will be a crime. You know when it is so thick that the ham underneath doesn’t even get to cook properly? I may be vegetarian now, but I still remember eating that disgusting shite.
The glorious and noble sport of turtle-fighting will be revived. Turtles will enter the ring, equipped with teensy-tiny cute little razors strapped to their little legs,
and fight to the death.Home appliances will come in more colours. Whitegoods will stop being called “whitegoods”.
Taxation on fake moustaches will be severely cut. The government will have to find another way to make up the estimated $680 million per year it currently collects. Fake moustaches will once again be within the reach of most Australians. I pledge a fake moustache on every child in Australia by 2012.
The Lost Arts will be revived. I can’t tell you specifically what the Lost Arts are right now because they … well, they’re lost, aren’t they. I have a suspicion there is some really cool stuff there that would benefit us all.
Meerkats will be integrated into society. Much in the way squirrels live in the U.S., we will have Meerkats. They’re so much cuter than possums, and they taste better, too.
We will start eating more species. There are many breeds that are better suited to our climate than cows and chickens! Try a delicious panda steak, or giraffe risotto. Be delighted with a gorilla stir-fry or horse Nori roll.
A lot more stuff will self-destruct in five seconds.
Food will have stuff printed on it in vitamin-fortified edible ink. Apples will have quotes, steak will have news, carrots will carry short stories. Food will be advertiser supported, so it is cheaper, and more nutritious.
Cats will have to start pulling their own weight. First up – cat pamphlet delivery. They will wear little body suits with small pockets to carry tiny flyers.Trivia and mathematical questions will be integrated into everyday life. To get into Chadstone you will have to correctly answer a trivia question. To get out of the bathroom – complete a sudoku.
The hilarious misunderstanding industry will be regulated. At the moment it is all over the shop! Some people, if you can believe it, have up to four times the number of hilarious misunderstandings per year than other people! Self-regulation clearly has failed, although I do admit it is usually due to a hilarious misunderstanding in which, say, the legislation was swapped for someone’s big speech and a series of comical adventures take place to swap them over and everyone learns something about themselves and the Disney music plays and it’s just so great you want to kill yourself.
Proverbs will be tested to ensure their accuracy. Does a drowning man really clutch at straws? Is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush? How accurate is this measure? What if a bird in the hand is worth 1.7 in the bush with a standard deviation of 0.6?
This is my declaration.
Category Blog | Tags: cats,decree,king,meerkats | No Comments
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sugar castle
December 14, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
smile
it’s been awhile
laugh
cos it’s all passedbaby b you and me
we can see the sugary castles
that float silently, unobserved
through the skyyes, baby b, it’s just you and i
witnesses of the congested sky
hearers of the smashing sound
when a sugar castle hits the groundmost of what i’ve seen
seems like a dream
most of the places i’ve run
are now run downit’s just too bad
you’re beautiful
i guess i had a wish
but perhaps i missed, missso i’m skinny
bones and smiles
so you’re fat
with stolen warm momentsdoesn’t it feel like great days are coming?
can you hear the castles broadcasting
there is a whisper on the windis it just me
and not we
who sees
the sugary floating castles?i thought you and i
could share the sky
direct the castles to collide
with a-much a-crashinglaugh
cos it’s all passed
smile
come smile with me awhileCategory Poetry | Tags: | No Comments
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The Truth is …
December 11, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
The Truth is …
too friendly to be friends
not friendly enough to be loversCategory Poetry | Tags: | No Comments
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another girl
December 9, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
after my 23rd breakup
with another girl
whose name my housemates
never bothered to learn.after it, I’m standing in my room
looking at the pillowcase slipping
off the pillow
and looking at my feet, scrunching my toes
in the rug a girl, Karen, gave me.by the bed is a lamp, a gift from another
one my dad said was a ‘nice girl’
he didn’t know she ate dinner
and then ate in reverse
hating herself
I didn’t know, either.in my room there are drawers
each full of arguments
bottles of girlfriend tears
collected over three years
parcels of guilt, boxes of sex hidden
under the bed,
sometimes alone in the bed,
but not often alone,
I open one of those boxes expecting
xxxsex-fucking-shimmy-flingxxx
but oh, what a mistake!
each box of sex comes with
aching tinfoil guilt, and sorrowful tears.Category Poetry | Tags: Poetry | No Comments
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as useful as
December 7, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
About as useful as elbow patches on a skateboarding otter who has never had
a skateboarding accident.About as useful as an Albanian Lunging Snail at the Australian Lunging Snail
show.About as useful as a master shoelace tying champion’s assistant who packs
him a toolkit rather than his deluxe shoelace collection when he has to go
to the International Shoe Tying Championships.About as useful as the letter ‘bork’ in a world, like ours, where the letter
never evolved.About as useful as sending a monkey race car driver back in time to stop the
assassination of Lincoln.Category Blog | Tags: danica mckellar,math,suck,wonder years | No Comments
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but did we impress her
December 6, 2009 by Mathew Ferguson
we pressed her
we undressed her
we blessed herCategory Poetry | Tags: | No Comments