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March, 2010

  1. Webcomic – dance

    March 30, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    dance


  2. free association

    March 27, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    cat dog pepper salt condiments mustard salami spices cinnamon, cummerbund, suit, tuxedo, wedding, white, bride, kids, rings, noisy, cars loud, petrol, pollution, toxin, poison, environment, death, animals, pets, warm, loving, caring, talking, speech, explaining, discussing, arguing, parliament, politicians, government, people, voting, press, media , papers, television, advertisements, coffee, cars, women, perfume, summer, light bright, sun, hot , sunburn, water , swimming, sharks, fish, chips, vinegar, lemon, tree, fruit, apples, pears, supermarket, vegetables, cauliflower, brain surgery, doctors, nurses, porn, sex, fucking, reproduction, gametes, ovaries, vagina, penis, pissing, urine, toilets, paper, reading books, authors, writing, information, internet, junk, tip, pit, garbage, refuse, waste, youth, young, slim, trim, slight, thin, anorexic, health, kidneys, liver, meat, yabbies, father, dad, fun, sun, swimming, mud, claws, cooking eating, garlic, curry indians, hot, green curry. horses, running, saddles, racing, Melbourne cup, alcohol, drinking, drunk, blind, staggering, fool, idiot, fighting, fists, hitting, pounding, throbbing, headache, Panadol, drugs, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, heroin, drug injecting rooms, church, homosexuals, priests, child abuse, hate , fear, war, guns, planes, trips, holidays, tours, boats, blue sea, greek islands, paradise, heaven, hell, devil, satan, evil, good, happy nice, loving, love, marriage, rings, reception, greeting, greeting cards, sayings on greeting cards, how people get jobs making sayings on greeting cards, how people get any strange jobs, weird jobs, weird things, guinness book of records, what if the worlds tallest man met the worlds smallest woman, the joke about the giant and the female sword swallower, dobermans and chihuahuas, elephants and mice, david and the lion, the bible, religion, the place of religion in today’s society, muslims, fundamentalists, bombings, suicide bombings, nuclear war, secret underground bases, biological weapons, secret stockpiles of biological weapons, genetic engineering, cloning, cloning models, having only beautiful people on earth, breeding out ugly people, cloning limbs, immortality, owning shares and immortality, aliens, aliens visiting the earth in the past, roswell, secret ufo test results, the tiles on the spaceship, pyramids, mummies, mummification, organ removal, secret removal of dead peoples organs in public hospitals, funding for hospitals, the government, corruption in government, perks the people get in government, the old boys network, local government, councils, rates, property ownership, retirement, investment, shares versus property, teenagers wrecking properties, stories about bad tenants, getting ripped off in property sales, auctions, false bids in auctions, private sale, bribery, bribing officials at the races, drugs in horse racing, Phar Lap, genetic engineering and Phar Lap, how horses get their names, how they stuff animals, how people get jobs stuffing animals, how people get weird jobs, types of weird jobs, what people will do for money, what you would do for money, what the worst job you have done, managers, working for a living, dole bludging, people who dole bludge, stories about dole bludgers, stories about insurance scams, pretend back pain and lifting heavy objects, back pain and surgery, vertebrate, spinal injuries, spinal cord, do jellyfish have spine cords, the beach, sand dunes, shells, how there are shells on Uluru, aboriginal place names, aboriginal flag, land rights, length of time for a person to become a native of a country, whether immigrants accept the wrongdoings of a countries past, whether a jew born in germany has to feel personally sorry for the wrongs of his nationality against his race, race relations, war in the middle east, war over religion, mother teresa, when famous people die, what is must be like to be famous, rich people , how the rich live, what you would do if you were rich, how rich people are rich because they don’t do what you would do if you were rich, houses they live in, rich actors, good actors versus bad actors, actors who think they can be musicians, musicians cameos in movies, how famous stars got famous, hollywood, directors, jaws, shark stories, how shark is superior to other types of fish, what makes a fish, whether a whale should be called a fish, mammary glands, how nature makes more than one function for everything, the purpose of hiccups, how long people can hiccup for, sneezing, gesundheit, how languages get incorporated, latin, asterix , comic books, batman and robin, wondering if batman and robin were gay, gay peoples habits, people you’ve known who were gay, how you could tell they were gay, famous gay people, lesbians, whether every woman is part lesbian, female bonding, female talking, how men and women are different, feminism, hairy legs, childbirth, all the privileges none of the work, housework, toilet cleaning, plastic that dissolves, technology, whether technology is for good or evil, good inventions, why it’s good to be alive now, why it would be good to be alive back then, time travel, killing hitler as a baby, paradox, seeing yourself as a kid, giving yourself tattslotto numbers, winning money, what you would do if you won millions of dollars, investing in property, how people want money from you, getting letters asking for money, scam artists, how to pick scam artists, credit card fraud, internet banking, buying stuff over the internet, having your credit card number stolen, owing thousand of dollars, debt, debt reduction, national debt, third world debt, what exactly is the second world, whether we are first world, how the availability of cling wrap determines if a country is first world, are there more grades of world, cheap places to go, exchange rates, pirate cds, multi region dvd players, hong kong, china and hong kong, tibet, dalai lama, bald, baldness cures, home remedies, carrots and blindness, old sayings, grain of salt, old beliefs, witch hunts, salem and devil worship, third nipple, drowning, swimming, life jackets, boats, the sea, navigation by the stars, how to find your way when you are lost, moss on trees, sunlight, the rotation of the earth, summer and winter, nuclear winter, glaciers, cavemen, frozen hairy elephants, white thighs, fat people, weight watchers, torturing fat people with icecream, gland problems, growth hormones, cows milk, growth hormones in meat, barbecues, steak, onions, sulfuric acid, crying, tear ducts, milk coming out of tear ducts, weird things people can do with their bodies, double jointedness, flexibility, circus people, acrobats, high wire, no net, how long to you have to think if you fell off a building, how fast you would fall, gravity, spaceships, the atmosphere, should ships come back through the ozone hole, sunburn, cancer, star signs, making new star signs, psychics, are there different types of psychics, psychic things that have happened, knowing if someone died, how pets are psychic, the dog sitting on the grave, gravestones, plastic gravestones, ways to have a funeral, video messages, cremation, people getting cremated with golf clubs, pollution, having your ashes stirred into the cake at the funeral, sick jokes, internet sites, porn on the net, women and men, cool things on the net, ugly people website, how do ugly people get together, do ugly people have ugly children, how no one is really ugly, plastic surgery, stars who have plastic surgery, people who try to look younger than they are, old people, dementia, aluminium linked with dementia, drug use, is it better for an old person to die than a baby, nappies, looking after kids, funny things kids have done, stupid things they have done, school work, spelling tests, the education system, private schools vs public schools, resources, unicycles in sports shed, javelin, how did the pole vault get started, modern sports, being born too early, what if you were the best computer programmer ever and you lived five hundred years ago, missed opportunities, the importance of homework, the importance of having fun, fun times, fishing,
    camping, camping stories, catfish, mudfish, rods in the river, burley, burnley station, graffiti, artwork, artists, Picasso, abstraction, modern art, how almost anything can be considered art, writing, films, book writing, famous authors, wannabes, failure, hopes, ambition, what people do for ambition, stories about what famous people have done, wondering what parents of famous people think, when do famous people realise they are famous, people famous for different things, nobel prize, dynamite, TNT, AC/DC, whiskey, drowning in your own vomit, people who have drowned in their own vomit, drugs and music, art and drugs, drugs as a necessary accompaniment to artists, how artists are full of shit, people who are full of shit, corruption, scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours, itchy backs, skin problems, microdermabrasion, person who died from microdermabrasion, urban myth, kidney thieves, aspirin for birth control, benefits of aspirin, stroke victims, left and right hemispheres of the brain, logical and creative, left and right handedness, depression in the brain, heredity, suicide from depression, suicide that is labled as accident, statistics, newspapers, media falsehoods, big mistakes small apology columns, weird classified ads, pooky loves bobo starlight, secret messages, code messages, nazi codebreakers, encryption technology, breaking encryption, hackers, bank balances, superman movie, creators of superman, how the creators of superman were ripped off, people who’ve been ripped off, a sucker is born every minute, famous quotes, final words, whether final words really are final words or just what they wished their final words were, what’s the difference what your final words are anyway, first words, babies tongues, structure of the mouth, teething, teeth, man who grew three sets of teeth, pyramids, razor blades, apples, Halloween, poison candy, candy vs lollies, decay, rotting, meat, bacteria, recycling, worms, fungus, fungus used to colonize other planets, the oxygen-carbon dioxide water cycle, temperature change, global warming, how global warming is preventing another ice age, how often a ice age is expected, sunspots, global weather prediction, ice caps, oxygen levels trapped in ice caps, islands underwater, Atlantis as a warning, Bemuda triangle, planes disappearing, time travel, space time continuum, Dr Who, Daleks, intelligent machines, thinking machines, curse or cure, arsenic as cure for cancer, modern diseases, pimples, nachos, cheese, tomato, fruit or vegetable, vaccines in vegetables, carrots, blindness, vitamins, electromagnetic radiation, genres, fiction, cold cold ground, ideal, to be home when partner arrives or not, individual, six billion individuals, how much is a billion billion, is a gazillion a number, big numbers, more ants than people, making products out of dead people, hormones and drugs, fertilizer, nitrogen, composition of the atmosphere, atmosphere at a party, high skirts long legs, slim versus fat, how fat is subjective, cultural standards, icecream and fat kids, moving footpaths, vandalism, what is happening to the environment, planetary death, global warming, tidal waves, the massive energy exchange that humans are doing, doing stuff, doing too little, doing too much, people who do too much, stress at work, people at work who work too much, stories about work, people you know at work, horrible things that happen at work, what is the point of working, shouldn’t everyone be working less, why do we invent all these things and still have to work all these hours, if we grew more vegetable we wouldn’t have all the problems that we do, eating meat, Einstein was a vegetarian, was he really, if you smell something then technically you have ingested it, thinking about disgusting things that people smell, wouldn’t want to work at the sewage farm, no sir no way, shit out of a shanghai, like a cat shitting razorblades, cold as a maggot, dead as a maggot, the cello, what does that have to do with anything in the history of everything, the stream of conversation, typing and typing and typing until some thought comes along.


  3. There ain't no "Junior"

    March 26, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    A question for you: what is the difference between a copywriter and a junior copywriter?

    Answer: the money.

    Not the work.

    I keep an eye on the job market and so many times I see Junior Copywriter or Copywriter (Graduate) being advertised. Then I read the job description and it is a standard Copywriter position. They just want to pay $15000 less per year.

    I saw this same thing in a publishing company where I worked many years ago. They needed a graphic designer. So they appended “Junior” to the front of the job, cut $15K from the salary and the guy they hired was doing the standard graphic design job within a few weeks.

    What happened as a result of this? Well, eventually he worked out there was no difference between his job and the graphic designer job. He then worked out that the pittance he was receiving wasn’t fair. He asked for a pay raise. He was denied.

    He quit.

    Ah, but the company had this guy for long enough that the savings looked good so they did the same thing. They simply would. not. pay.

    We didn’t get applications from professional graphic designers who kicked ass. We got applications from graduates of uncertain quality. I have no problem with graduates – everyone has to start somewhere – but even these guys work it out and then quit. And as for their productivity? It’s lower, generally. What about experience? That knowledge that only comes from making mistakes and seeing things happen? It’s gone.

    One mistake cost us $12,000. No one picked it up and there was no way they could – it was only the kind of thing that experience can alert you to.

    But there is a far worse result of creating these faux-junior positions: the company starts expecting high quality work for peanuts.

    Pretty soon an experienced graphic designer who is worth $60K at least is looking drastically overpaid. Why pay that when for $30K you can get a junior? So when the next high paid graphic designer quits for whatever reason, they replace them with a junior. Hey, we’re now saving $30K! What a great idea!

    Slowly the experience leaks away and because of this focus on wages, the experienced designers/copywriters/whatever can’t get pay raises.

    There are some jobs where it is simply about filling seats with warm bodies. Jobs where junior is a correct description and when they start doing other work, they lose the junior and make more money. But when Junior means nothing but lower wages it’s a mug’s game. A bad circle that in the end results in the destruction of your business.


  4. Mattel Big Jim (Big Josh) German Mickey Maus comic 1977

    March 26, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    Mattel_b_jim_advertisementWho wants a bearded wood-chopping guy with abs of steel? Every German child does!


  5. webcomic – turban

    March 26, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    turbandid you know you can make a turban out of a common bathroom towel?


  6. no payment

    March 25, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    i look at you and wonder about payment of debt
    you are one of those gifts that embarrasses
    too grand for the occasion
    a diamond for a casual acquaintance’s birthday, for example

    you came, apparently free
    but surely you were given to me
    from whom i don’t know
    it is impossible that you don’t carry a cost

    i look at you and realise i will drown in debt
    there is no payment i could make
    you amazing gift
    you amazing girl


  7. top hat cat

    March 24, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    a cat in a little suit i can take
    but then his little top hat?
    i cracked my rib years ago
    and if i laugh too hard it hurts


  8. followed you home

    March 22, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    so I followed you home
    carrying all kinds of broken things in my hands
    you showered me
    and set my broken things out to dry

    you followed me home
    whispering ‘drop them drop them’
    in my ear
    i would drop them, really
    in a little while


  9. Sky Bully

    March 21, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    hey sky bully
    are you looking down right now?
    FUCK YOU!
    ha ha

    probably not watching me
    engrossed in some genocide you could prevent
    enjoying a mudslide perhaps
    that is killing thousands, hey sky bully.

    if you are not real
    then it doesn’t matter
    if you are …
    if you are i will spit in your face for your inaction

    hey sky bully
    gonna strike me down?
    FUCK YOU!
    ha ha


  10. me and the bottle

    March 21, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    me and the bottle
    lay here
    watching you sleep

    the bottle whispers
    “ain’t she pretty?”
    and i say yes

    me and the bottle
    walk out
    leaving you to sleep