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May, 2010

  1. Steal JA Konrath’s ebook Jack Daniels Stories

    May 31, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    As part of JA Konrath’s “Steal This eBook” experiment I’ve uploaded a copy of his Jack Daniels stories in the free downloadable ebook section.

    You can also download the torrent.

    JA Konrath, known for the Jacqueline “Jack” Daniels thrillers set in Chicago, offers this free downloadable ebook collection of short stories and novellas from the Jack Daniels universe.

    Join Jack Daniels, her partner Herb Benedict, private eye Harry McGlade, and part-time criminal Phineas Troutt, in this omnibus of 15 stories.

    On the Rocks – Suicide or murder? Lt. Jack Daniels solves a locked room mystery.

    Whelp Wanted – P.I. Harry McGlade becomes a dognapper in order to stop a dognapper, or something like that.

    Street Music – Phineas Troutt hunts a prostitute through the dangerous streets of Chicago. Are his intentions pure?

    The One That Got Away – The Gingerbread Man (the villain from WHISKEY SOUR) hunts one final victim.

    With a Twist – It looked like the man fell from a great height, but the body is in his living room. Jack Daniels solves another impossible crime.

    Epitaph – Phin Troutt takes on a Chicago street gang with vengeance on his mind.

    Taken to the Cleaners – Harry McGlade tries to solve a difficult mystery, but mostly just goofs off.

    Body Shots – Jack Daniels faces her most challenging case yet; a school shooting. But does she know more about the perp than she realizes?

    Suffer – Phineas Troutt has taken some questionable jobs, but will he murder a man’s wife?

    School Daze – P.I. Harry McGlade investigates a private school, but he’s not entirely sure why.

    Overproof – While shopping on the Gold Coast, Jack Daniels notices traffic has come to a stand-still. When she realizes what the problem is, she’s confronted with her own mortality, and the possible deaths of hundreds.

    Bereavement – How badly does Phineas Troutt need a fix? What is he willing to do?

    Pot Shot – Detective Herb Benedict just wants a home cooked meal. But his plans get interrupted by a very determined sniper.

    Last Request – Phineas Troutt picks up a hitchhiker, with deadly results.

    The Necro File – Harry McGlade investigates some bizarre murders in this hilarious, gore-filled mini-epic. (Author’s note: This is easily the funniest thing I’ve ever written, but it’s also very offensive. Let the reader beware…)

    That’s about 65,000 words of Jack Daniels and friends. Some of these are laugh out loud funny. Some require you to solve the mystery. Some are thrilling. Some are scary. All of them have been previously published in various magazines and anthologies.

    File contains versions in html, pdf, doc, epub, and prc (for Kindle). So no matter what ereader or computer or smart phone you own, you should be able to read it or convert it.

    If you own a Kindle, you can click HERE to go to the Kindle store and buy it for $1.99.

    If you own a Nook, you can click HERE and go to Barnes and Noble and buy it for $1.99.

    **
    This file uploaded and distributed as part of JA Konrath’s “Steal This eBook” experiment.


  2. Pay the Writer – Harlen Ellison

    May 28, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    I love this clip so very very much but … I also worked for free at the start of my writing career. I did it because when you’ve nothing but talent/ability and no credentials then you can’t compete with professional writers. Of course I fucking worked for free! Was I happy to? Fuck yes! (Sorry, channeling Ellison a little.)

    He’s dead right about amateurs working for free making it hard for professionals. Even after five years and a massive project list I was having big rich companies trying to get me to work for free. Because it will be good “experience” or good on my project list.

    I’ve been the undercutting newbie and I’ve been the undercut professional so I feel the pain here. Yes, it pissed me off that a client decided to compare my $2000 quote with some chump off ifreelance who offered to do it for $200 but hey, that’s the free market.

    And samples … man, like Ellison I want to say motherfucker we signed a contract! I have ONE MILLION activity books on British Airways. Have I ever seen a copy of my work in real life? Fuck no! I can’t get ONE fucking copy?

    Alright, enough channeling.

    I say work for free at the start and then work for money later. Don’t worry about what it does to other established writers.


  3. talking all serious

    May 28, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    sideways like a fish sneezing
    borrowed like an escaping cheese
    stolen like the sun shining
    broken like a perfect square

    all i want to do is get off
    or get on, get along, get down, get up
    get some direction
    maybe get sideways

    twirl like a barrel
    powdered like glue princess
    sparkle like a vitamin cheating
    shine like a folded page

    all i want to do is get right
    or get left, get a song to sing along
    get some introspection
    maybe get a section

    sing like a closed box
    sigh like a pirate jailed
    hiccup like a dog caught speaking
    embarrassed like a smoopsie talking all serious


  4. iced

    May 25, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    plastic roses stuffed in the toaster
    and a flamenco dancer waiting anxiously in the corner
    waiting for her cue

    a tiny tiny bell sitting in the freezer
    iced over and useless
    just
    like
    your
    heart.


  5. align

    May 18, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    bring your six-shooter
    and your shield of thoughtless virtue
    meet me down by the park
    for our karmic realignment

    cross your door with red paint
    take down that iron horseshoe
    fill the letterbox with lavender
    for you are not coming home

    that tired tirade laps over me
    a warm, sibilant breaking wave
    I am cotton-covered, whisper-wrapped
    and positively protected from you

    so I see the sneaking eagles
    have been watching my position
    well, the little golden mosquitoes
    have been watching yours

    so bring your six-shooter
    and your shield of worthless iron
    we shall go down by the park
    and realign


  6. The Magical Trannie Show!

    May 15, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    the magical trannie almost got her first show cancelled because of the name but it didn’t happen because the religious people started arguing magical was worse than trannie and the other people said it was the other way around and in the end the tv station got all this free publicity and way more people watched than would have otherwise and so this mega audience got to see the magical trannie lift this disabled kid out of his wheelchair and he walked for the first time since he got hit by that bus and they say next week a bunch of guys with tuberculosis are going to be on.


  7. the parents

    May 12, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    did we mention we want you to be free?
    oh those forgetful parents
    i’m sure it was tongue-tip
    but for a mind-blank
    they would have said it
    in those 16 years


  8. Is the New

    May 9, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    Is it time to retire “X is the new Y” yet? Editor Mattie says: Yes! It has gone past cliche. The only way it can be used is self-referentially (Black is the new Black!) or in comedy ala Josie and the Pussy Cats (OMG Orange is the new Pink!)

    Otherwise, cut cut cut.  Remember kids, editing is the new sandwich. Or something like that.

    First ten pages of Google:

    Pink is the new Blog

    Small is the new Big

    Fake is the new Real

    Vegetarian is the new Prius

    Blood is the new Black

    Green is the new Red

    Blue is the new Green

    Facebook is the new AOL

    Republican is the new Punk

    Euro is the new Dollar

    Water is the new Oil

    Trillion is the new Billion

    The Blog is the new Resume

    Bitch is the new Black

    Square is the new Round

    Class is the new Black

    The Location Field is the new Command Line

    Unqualified is the new Qualified

    Yellow is the new Black

    Brown is the new Green

    Self-publishing is the new Real Publishing

    Solis is the new Daschle

    Sex without Condoms is the new Engagement Ring

    Sketching is the new Black

    Fugly is the new Pretty

    Big is the new Small

    Flat is the new Up

    Dead is the new 90

    Mobile is the new Desktop

    Privacy is the new Black

    Gay is the new Black

    Limbaugh is the new Bush

    Pace is the new Peril

    Geeky is the new Cool

    Old is the new New

    Self-publishing is the new Blogging

    Customer Service is the new Marketing

    Home decor is the new fashion

    Hyperconnectivity is the new Reality

    Green is the new Blah

    Fringe is the new Lost

    Michelle O is the new Jackie O

    Food is the new Sex

    The Web is the new Hollywood

    The Truth is the new Lie

    Uncertainty is the new Normal

    Yellow is the new Pink

    Fat is the new Black

    Frugal is the new Black

    Lifestyle search is the new Black

    Cash is the new Black

    Vietnam is the new China

    David Price is the new Joba Chamberlain

    Awake is the new Sleep

    Less is the new More

    Pussy is the new Black

    Zombie Dog is the new Spaghetti Cat

    image source: http://webdelsol.com/DIAGRAM/6_3/leisurearts.html


  9. declaration

    May 6, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    so here is my declaration:
    to henceforth go
    to follow, to pursue
    to not hold fast against the current

    i am tired of my little island
    invisible rules, tiresome tasks
    stupid reasons, and, worst of all,
    an ever growing bulkhead of regrets

    once or twice i have leapt from my island
    swum a little
    but then quickly pulled myself back
    and studied for hours the invisible rules

    i am going to leap, i swear it
    i have missed so much
    floated past many amusements
    (the teenage years for example)

    i will dissolve this island
    enjoy the freedom of no code
    no bindings, no remindings
    and drop all those regrets down into the mud


  10. greedy cat

    May 3, 2010 by Mathew Ferguson

    greedy cat leaping for the cream
    now flailing paws desperately
    treading cream
    a bucket of cream is not fatal … yet.